Tuesday, August 13, 2013

"Touched Out"

I'm not happy to report after 15 1/2 months, I reached that dreaded point for the first time: being "touched out."  Surprisingly even though my toddler still nurses many times a day (and night), I hadn't ever felt the itchy, overtouched feeling.  It was a culmination of wanting to nurse because he's teething, plus the whining from the pain, plus wanting to be held and comforted, even when I had things to do like make dinner, that ended with me saying to my husband, "he is so annoying right now!"
What a terrible thing for a parent to say.  Or is it?  I'm only human after all.  If I wanted to seem like a perfect mother, I would never admit such a thing.  But I'm over the "mommy wars" drama.  I felt this way and it's okay.  I'm almost 100% sure I've looked down on someone that confessed this same feeling.  How can you not want to be touched by your child?  But especially if you have more than one child and stay at home with them, you are with them all the time and may not have one second where one of your children is not hanging on you, crying.
Yesterday for example was one of my days off.  When Robbie woke up, he of course was right next to me as we bed-share, and I got up with him.  So we played together while Daddy was at work.  Then right as Daddy came home from an extra long shift at work, Robbie and I both laid down for a nap that lasted two and a half hours.  So we were touching the whole time.  Then we got up and went to the pool with some friends.  My husband and I took turns holding the floatie that Robbie was in but my husband left earlier than us to go to the grocery store for dinner supplies.  So it was up to me to get Robbie dried off while drying off myself while he ran around the pool with some pool toys.  He wanted to go back in the water and cried and fought when I didn't let him.
When we got home, he was tired from the pool but it was too early to put him down for the night.  So he was fussy and whining while I made dinner.  If I were alone, I probably would've got out my Ergo baby carrier and strapped him in but me and my husband just traded off holding him and trying to entertain him.  We gave him some ibuprofen for his teething pain (a post about this coming soon) and he did settle down a bit and actually played somewhat happily for a few more hours.
But this just shows he was almost literally touching me all day, and whining while he was climbing all over me, demanding to nurse.  When I think about it, I know it's one of my jobs to accept this.  And wearing him in a carrier really would've helped if I needed it.  But at the time I was SO ANNOYED and voiced this to my husband, who acted shocked but he'd been in my shoes before.
If you feel this way sometimes, it does not make you a bad parent!!!  If it is a constant feeling then it should be looked into to make sure it is not something more serious.  But I know for me that it is just a mix of many things coming together at once that made it overwhelming.  It was not my proudest moment to admit that my young son was annoying me but I recognize that it was the situation, not him as a person.
Admitting it to my husband helped, and after work today I will spend a few minutes alone at a coffee shop.  I'm sure it will help and I will be rejuvenated for him.  I'd still felt a bit touchy this morning but when I went home on my break, he was a joy as usual.  It was hard leaving him as always and I'm looking to being with him tonight.
I had a real mommy moment and I wanted to share it with other parents that have these moments and think it makes them bad parents.  It does not!  To have these moments every now and then is totally normal, especially if you stay at home or have more than one child.  Neither of those describes me so I think that's why it took so long for this normal feeling to happen.
It sure knocked me off my high horse and I'm glad it did.  It's just one more way to make me realize that these mommy wars are ridiculous and most of us are doing the best we can.

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